An angel told me on Saturday I was controlling. That I had trouble letting go.When an angel tells you these things you do not get defensive. You pause, the way I did.
“I am?” I asked. It was hard to hear the truth even from the mouth of an angel. “Passively controlling,” he specified.
I smiled and nodded because that was even more true. I thought about the continuous ways I may have held others back by being too quiet, too non verbally indignant. I thought of the quiet huffs or stamping foot I gave to my husband over the years when he told me he had to go out of town again. I was sorry that I ever sent my husband out of town carrying more baggage than he ever needed to.
Why was it so hard for me to be alone?
“It’s your subconscous,” the angel said. And he moved his hands around as if he were clearing away dust from a windowsill. “You will feel a lot better,” the angel told me. You will perecive things a lot differently.”
Even if I tried to be skepical I couldn’t. I felt more receptive, more open to what I could not understand more than at anytime in my life. My body knew the way an animal knows that this is where it is safe to sleep. I awkwardly closed and then opened my eyes. I wanted to witness what he was doing but my conditioning told me to close them out of reverence rather than observe the way he went about conversing with the universe who was giving him information about things within myself I had yet to see.
I won’t bother to go into it (the healing) because I am still figuring it out. I am still basking in the blessing of the whole thing and how I ended up sitting with a celestial being at a Hilton in Evanston on Saturday. A Hilton, I know. Not the venue one might expect to sit down with an angel. But then again, why not a Hilton?
I woke up the next day exceedingly lighter. It was that fast. That obvious, at least for me. I felt compelled to savor the blessing. To change my routine. To test out what this week would be like if I chose rest over activity, silence over conversation. If I played Mozart while makiing breakfast. If I let beauty in everywhere.
What wasn’t new was knowing that it is hard to hear the truth about things. Except when you realize the truth is where all the beauty of nature lies you feel more compelled to want to live by it — That the weight of our lives is not meant to doom us, nor is it consciosuly our fault if we chose to carry our life around with us like it owes us more than it has offered. There are tools to help us lift ourselves out from under what we cannot control. There are guides that teach us to surrender. There are blessings everywhere. There are a million ways to kneel and kiss the ground.
Reflection: The extraordinary thing that the natural world teaches us is that it is never reluctant to be itself yet isn’t it astonishing that as humans can spend so much of our time relucatant to be who we are? I believe we walk around this Earth having some kind of purpoose that is hidden like a secret deep within the sedimentary layers of our subconsious. If we are lucky enough in this lifetime that secret gets dislodged, it gets loosened from the dense ground from which it lay hidden and we get to pluck it from it’s ground and grow it and create it and thrive radiantly because of it. Our own nature, revealed.
I also believe that on the way to growing our life in ways we deserve, we may need help from angels.